I was sitting in the Taco Bell drive thru when I thought of writing this, mostly because I ordered the plainest sounding food (bean burrito with no sauce, cheese or onions - so literally just beans and tortilla) and it was so revolting but not for the reason you'd think. I haven't been able to eat normally for nearly 6 months now, and everything makes me feel sick, and I got to thinking about why it's been like that.
And then that idea spiraled all the way to March 2016 and I figured we should have a little catch up.
I haven't really written a song in over a year now. Not one I'm proud enough to put on a record, at least.
I went from working at a shitty restaurant in St Pete that was so bad I had to sue them for sexual harassment, to traveling throughout Europe for a couple months to get over it, to moving to a new state (Ohio) to pave my way in my dream career.
In moving states, you go from having your established network of friends and family, to having to start completely over. You're alone. You're vulnerable.
So then sometimes, seemingly "nice" people will come along and entice you with the feeling of belonging.
And then they turn it against you.
Sometimes those people are calculated, pathological, cruel.
And then it destroys your personal life because the panic attacks you're having, are clocking in way over your usual Richter scale. And you can't eat, so you lose 14 pounds in 10 days, and every time you cry you throw up, so you keep losing weight. You can't sleep because you feel like you're having a heart attack (thanks anxiety!) or you have nightmares daily of what the next encounter will be like.
You feel lonely, but they've taught you to be wary of people, they've trained you to be afraid and trust no one. To always be on edge. That you're worthless.
Sometimes those people will actually alter your brain chemistry, and it becomes such a long drawn out thing that people tell you eventually to just "get over it." Well, it was easy to break, but it's harder to put it back together.
Your personal life is a hollowed out shell as pathetic as you're now supposed to feel.
All of that can make it hard to write music.
But I fired up the old Rhodes last week, and I'm hoping to have 3 songs worth recording by the end of the year, so we can FI-NA-LLY have a new EP out.